Doing things out of desire, not out of necessity

Last night, I slept at 8. In the morning.

I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I just couldn’t enter sleep.

This was the worst case of insomnia I’ve ever had. I laid in bed and rolled around for one to two hours at a time, then got frustrated and watched TV or read a book, then attempted to go back to sleep, but still yielded the same results of not entering sleep. Then I gave my friend a promised wake up call at 6 since she had school, then went back to bed. I rolled around even more and thought that this was very ridiculous, considering I didn’t have any caffeine  or a nap. The last time I looked at the clock, it was around 8, so that’s when i figured my official sleep time was at.

I woke up at around 2; not exactly eight hours of sleep but natural sunlight and not wanting to waste my day made me get up and start my day. Now in the afternoon I’m really tired, just like every other day. My energy levels have constantly been low in the afternoons and high at nighttimes and I don’t know why; and I’ve been off naps and caffeine  for a long time.

I would think that not napping and not taking caffeine would lead to good sleep at nighttime which leads to a full eight hours which leads to energy for the whole day… but none of that is happening. I’m still tired in the afternoon, and I try to stay awake and my productivity falters as a result, and then when nighttime comes, I try to go to sleep for a long good rest but I can’t fall asleep because my mind is jogging.

Now I’m wondering if I should just go to sleep when I want to, not when I need to. Meaning when I’m tired, I’m going to sleep. Then when bedtime comes and the rest of the world goes to sleep, I’m going to stay awake because I don’t need to sleep.

Then this thought process goes on to other things, like eating because I want to, not because I need to… then other things like doing things when I want to, not because I need to… then other rebellious things and etc etc.

Ah!